Dating Advice From a Social Hermit
I wrote this a couple years ago and before I deactivated my facebook account, I saved it. So here it is again for Tumblr’s enjoyment.
Fair warning, this is probably going to sound extremely sexist, down right mean, and overall offensive to some people. Do I give a shit? If I did I wouldn’t post it. I’m probably going to get some hatemail or hateful comments because of this. If this angers you and you don’t really want to write me a nasty little letter or comment or whatever, I encourage you to write it. Please. So I can laugh at you and call you various highly degrading insults. Because, after all, I am an asshole.
I don’t date a lot or really talk to a lot of people anymore. You probably already know this. But in case you don’t, I find most people generally idiotic and rarely worth my time. Most people are fake and wouldn’t walk across the street to piss on you if you were on fire. Jaded much? You bet.
More to the point, the dating scene is ridiculous. It is highly amusing and annoying at the same time. People create checklists for the kind of person they want. Not just women. Men do it too. When the hell did it become possible to define a person through a check list of traits, flaws, and income level? That doesn’t let you know a person. Why is it that if I get checks in all the other boxes, but my eyes are blue instead of brown, I get shoved aside for the next chump to go through his inspection?
You need to be able to know a person before making any sort of judgement call like that. People are more than just a check or an ‘x’ on your imaginary checklist of the perfect fucking mate. I say men and women are both guilty of this but women are more notorious for it. Apparently I need to make over $60,000, still come home every night before dinner, not work on weekends, take regular holidays, have a huge house, a nice car, built like the fucking terminator, read her mind, give a shit about what she and her girlfriends talk about, listen to a problem without helping her fix it, fix it when she gets pissed off at it enough, throw away my xbox, stop playing guitar, stop spending MY money on things I want (like a motorcycle, guns, ammo, possibly buy my own house), spend every hour of my life (asleep and awake) thinking about her and her needs, and don’t even get me started on sex . I over generalized there a bit. I’ll give you that. But on top of all those general items on the checklist there are still the more personalized items to be added depending on the woman.
Fuck. It’s easier to just stay single, spend my money on things I want, work a job that doesn’t require me to kill myself just to stay afloat, and live in my crummy apartment. If I’m going to get yelled at for being right or doing what I want while I’m in a relationship I’m just going to wait for Bill Gates to build a fleshlight that’s compatible with whatever nextgen gaming console he’s going to come out with. But if a checklist is what I have to fill, then I’ll play that game for a second and create my own:
I want a woman who has nice boobs (between a B and DD), an awesome ass (you know, the kind that makes you rock your head when she walks away), loves playing video games, is confident in her abilities and looks, is willing to learn how to do things instead of asking people to do it for her, doesn’t spend all my money, is great in the sack, isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m wrong, logical, loves motorcycles, loves guns, is an amazing cook, doesn’t take 2 fucking hours to get ready to go to walmart, get’s my highly inappropriate humor, isn’t afraid to throw down for a good cause, is NOT a neo-feminist uppity cunt, is the perfect cross between Olivia Wilde, Isla Fisher, and Natalie Portman, loves Heavy Metal, can quote word for word all three TNMT live action movies, know her facts, understand that just because someone put it in a book or a fucking essay that doesn’t mean it’s true, and be extremely successful in her profession.
Now aint that a checklist? Please, if this woman exists, let her know I exist, send her my address, and let me know she’s coming so I can organize my porn collection. I may be a sexist horndog, but if I have a woman like THAT coming over, I want my shit neat. If I meet that woman, and in order to keep me out of jail you should keep any substance like chloroform away from me. Not that I would need it because she would be totally cool with who I am as a person and not how much is in my bank, but I like to have back up plans.
Sucks when you don’t fit a checklist doesn’t it? So stop it.
And this neo-feminism bullshit has GOT to go. The feminist movement was started because women wanted to be equal. It has now turned into women wanting to be better. I got news for you ladies: you’re not better than me. Granted, over 40 years of you forcing bullshit down our throats about how all men are pigs, we should get manicures, lose our testosterone, and suddenly grow vaginas has started to sink in to a lot of men today. THAT is why you can’t find a good man. Because they’re taken, you’ve turned them into Beta males, or they refuse to be anywhere near your idiotic beliefs and the garbage that comes out of your mouth. In other words, the ‘good’ men have all gone to where they’re WANTED. And that is away from this neo-feminist liberal bullshit. And as a good friend of mine once said, if all men are pigs then all women are gold-digging bitches.
Not all of this applies to all women. I’m friends with a good amount of my ex’s. They’re good women. They have their flaws, but who doesn’t? I’m not with them anymore because we simply didn’t fit as a couple anymore. But I have had my fair share of BAD ex’s. You know, the ones where you wake up in the morning and think “The only reason you’re still alive is because if I kill you, it would be premeditated”. It’s from those ex’s that I have my distrust in women and it is from men who are like them that I distrust people as a whole. Because while I do have 3 of my ex’s that I still talk to, I have a lot more who hate my guts and I can assure you my loathing for them is worse.
So, I’ve bitched about what is wrong and what I hate. What now? “I thought this was some dating advice dude!” Of course it is and I’m getting to that right now.
Ladies: stop trying to feminize men. We’re not women. We have a penis. We should act like men and you should act like women. Stop trying to fit us into a box that’s too small with your checklist. Understand that we can’t read your fucking mind and the amount of money in our bank account is not equal to our worth as a man or as a human being. Get on a treadmill or stay active in your life. Because, honestly, you can have a heart of gold, but if you weigh 400 lbs, we’re probably not going to give you a second chance, and even after the first glance, we’re probably going to go wash out our eyes with lye. And for fucks sake stop using sex as a weapon. Eventually we’re going to get tired of it and move on. AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD STOP THIS NEO-FEMINIST SHIT! It’s not attractive, it doesn’t work, and eventually it’s going to blow up in your goddamn face and I’m going to point and laugh while you clean the shrapnel out of your eye.
Men: clean up a little. It wouldn’t kill you to pick up after yourself every once and awhile. I’m at fault for this also. I can live like a slob. Be a gentleman, chivalry is not dead, and contrary to the belief of a certain group of women who think we should all have vaginas and worship their power, it is still accepted and generally a nice thing to do. Learn that no means no and not all women are gold-digging whores who only want your money and to deny you sex once you get involved with them. Every now and then it’s funny to leave the toilet seat up and listen to her squeal when she falls in, but you should stop it. That war has gone on for a long time and is the cause of many many deaths and brutal divorces that involve undeserved alimony. And the comment above about getting on a treadmill? Yeah it wouldn’t hurt you to put down the xbox controller and hop on one either every now and then. You can be the coolest dude in the world, but if you wake up to take a piss and you can’t see your dick, it’s time to put the fork down.
To both sexes:
Stop fucking lying to each other. Be honest. A white lie here and there is okay. But don’t tell each other shit like you have your own jet or you were a salsa dancer who broke her foot and retired (unless you really do have a jet or are a retired salsa dancer).
That ladies, gentlemen, pimps, and whores is my rant and advice on the dating world. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to being a hermit who only comes out to yell at people.
And remember: if you shoot it and it gets back up, shoot it again. After that, you need to go buy a bigger gun.
Sparky McSparkerson
